Ants

This is not a posting on how to rid unwanted ants that are invading your castle, your sanctuary, your home. I will tell you, if this is the advice you are seeking, try Terro but not if you have children. Terro is sticky and sweet and contains borax which is poison to ants, probably not good for human consumption. My story is about the proliferation of ants in my home and the malapert ant in coral color nail polish.

I live on the island of Maui in the town of Kihei. Kihei is on the leeward side of the island, the side of the island that doesn't get much in the way of precipitation. Okay, we are almost like a desert. Maui News reported several weeks ago that tumble weeds were becoming a problem on our island. Really? What's next? Wiley Coyote, the Road Runner and Acme trucks? The future may be bleak without some decent rainfall. The average rainfall for Kihei is 13 inches. As of today, according to the National Weather Service, we have had only 3" of rain the average being 10" by this time of the year. Honestly, I only remember a sprinkle of rain this year. Geez, I don't know if it was actually rain or an over zealous neighbor watering his flowers. In any case ... with the exception of Kauai, all the islands in the chain are in drought conditions. Pray tell, what does this have to do with ants. Plenty.

The ants, along with the rest of the Mauians, are looking for water. I have found ants everywhere, outside and in our home. I found them in the coffee maker purely by accident. I actually didn't see the ants until they started jumping ship (aka coffee maker) as their new home got too hot to handle. Same thing with the iron. Lesson learned. Never leave water in the iron. The smell of burnt ants can last for weeks. We have found ants in the water spout of the dispenser in our refrigerator door, around the sink (ants just love the little pieces of food you spit out with your toothpaste that doesn't make it down the drain) and in the air conditioners. Ants are pests. My ants don't think they are pest, I think, they think they are part of the family. In that "Outer Limits" sort of way, my ants are displaying unusual human behavior. Their desires have become odd and honestly, I think they have this ce la vie sort of attitude, like "if I die doing what I love well, Ce la vie"!

My ants love coffee, cream no sugar. Have you ever seen ants swarm a cup of coffee? In my haste to make an appointment in time, I left a cup of coffee out on my bathroom vanity for most of the day. When I got home and went to wash my hands, I was shocked to discover an ant covered coffee cup. Those little guys where all over it, like they had a no limit gift card at Starbuck's. And boy, they were wired. Some had become so over-amped, they decided to take laps across the pool of coffee only to discover they couldn't swim. Death by caffeine, better than borax, I suppose. I picked up the cup to rinse it off, some ants went swirling down the drain, some ran for cover but a few die-hard caffeine addicted ants, ran around in circles looking for the object of their overpowering desire.

The oddest behavior was the ants who were beguiled by my hormone cream. Yes, you read it correctly, hormone cream. I am a middle aged woman who has chosen pharmaceuticals to ease the pain of menopause. Anyway, I regress. I had the cap on tightly but I suppose they were attracted to the residual cream left on the underside. Whatever it was, the ants were attacking like they found Fort Knox unattended. My first reaction was shock, then came concern. Aren't worker ants male? Were these confused worker ants, curious worker ants, did the Queen need some additional hormones too?! A quick rinse of the tube and some Terro gel should take care of the problem. It gnawed at me though. In the back of mind I kept asking "why are those ants attracted to the hormone cream"? In that "Twilight Zone" sort of way, I envisioned ants with pink hats on, statement jewelry on their necks and fingers (do ants have fingers?) and shopping bags from Bloomie's and Macy's dangling on their arms. The next morning, I opened my cabinet to see if the Terro had worked. There were no signs of ants, none of any kind, none dressed in drag. What? Look! There is one lone ant boldly walking towards me. We stand eye to eyes. His antennae (one looks crisp like it had been burned. Horrors! An iron survivor?) were whirling in opposite directions, his tear drop head was moving to side to side while he glared at me. Is that a cup of coffee in his hand? He lowers the coffee on the cabinet shelf and lifts his leg back up towards me displaying a familiar finger gesture. What's this?! Is that my new OPI "A Good Mandarin is Hard to Find" nail color on his middle finger? He lowers his freshly manicured limb down, kicks over the coffee, lifts his nose up, turns and walks away. Now that's brazen ant-itude.